The Open Letter.

The last few weeks have proved to be the most confronting since the December our mother left us.

Suddenly I can’t sleep again.

Just don’t put the fucking pen down.

I have been vulnerable and defenseless. Mindlessly wandering, so incredibly sad, lost and conflicted.

You won’t ever hear me say that out loud again.

I have come to realize. I apologize, to the ones who stood by my side every moment I was torn open.

I can not thank you enough for all that you have done.

For holding my suicide gently with love whilst I relentlessly attempted to pump the pain Out of my veins by painting my blood.

If not for your tones of grey, I wouldn’t be able to say, I’m grateful for you each and every new day.

Three years straight, tearing my own heart out.

My Mother, My Brother, My Niece,

My Best friend, My Dad (1 of)

Brought the fucking house down.

Right out of Left field, I wish we were all in a better place then.

I hope you are in a better place now.

You know: That home run you sent from heaven was one in a million.

I hope You and Mum find some peace now.

There’s been moments, my own siblings pulled me in just to blow them,

I’d call them back just to show them I could choke them. But! that’s love after heartbreak, when death spits in your face, No superman swoops in and washes your nightmares away, dependence on something is the only time you can placate to a world moving on Screaming right In Your face!

I was handed new grief; its such a sweet little note,  “You’re never to return to the only home you’ve ever known”  but sweetheart’ you can keep all of your memories.

I couldn’t wish this upon the demons, that don’t let you sleep, on the streets where the signs barely read ‘Old world:—™ Over.

Bright lights flash its safe now to breathe. Dear condolence, go fuck yourself. What does that even mean?

How does one breathe?

It’s Like ripping your teeth out to keep your gums clean.

3 years I spent dragging my feet down those back streets and I guess now I’m just bleeding out.

The only place I the only way I could escape the pain was inside the place I could not escape.

#Was

So here’s my status for the year.

Facebook

My peers, acquaintances and so called friends or better than if you are offended, my apologies (for the few I don’t really know and for any of you who find my truth close to home.) Maybe you know me a little or we share a mutual somebody but this part is for the ones who shared in my glory days, called me on weekends because they needed a somebody or fake date, to lick suck and sip vodka Shots off my t##$ For you, here’s a piece of my mind, come suck my d#©k!

This year I started a new life. For years I was hooked on the likes of muse-like trash talking, shit-kicking big dicked little minds. My last note to all those I’m leaving behind tonight.

Ask yourself, did you ask yourself or anyone or even wonder, where was I?

That’s right.

I was told first hand the words between those “friends of mine”

Judged a big shot drug dealer, wielding guns, while my dick was getting bitch slapped by different sluts. I was the only one on my knees! they said my girlfriend was reckless and feeding me to the extremes, while we fought fucked and pushed drugs onto kids on the streets and if I remember correctly the story reads: we abused her kids with wild lifestyles so fried on ICE we forgot we even had kids we needed to feed. (Feel free to double check that with DCP)

Most I knew turned their backs. Wow! What a world we share now. You cunts should be proud you’ll one day own the ‘Rights to suicide which you can light to burn the whole fucking world down, any piss poor excuses to turn your back on things you don’t understand. Ignorance is bliss and easier yes! Like putting the pipe down and picking up the pen, here’s just a little of what I needed to get off my chest.

My wife’ saved my life, your right I guess she had to do drugs. I put her through hell while she soldiered me through 18 solid months of silenced love.

I guess I used enough for the both of us.

For your unconditional love, I thank you.

#lettinggo ofallthe thingsthat holdmedown

Who am I now.

Amy Winehouse said no to rehab!

I am a human who also suffers with a substance addiction!

It’s a lonely place where no-one understands you. Some fear you and no-one ever reaches in a hand.

I started this blog when I was screaming out for help from the inside of the hell I was stuck in. This page sat still and empty for 2 years before I placed any words on it.

My intention now is speak openly and honestly about my experience, past to present. Inside my own addiction.

The pieces as I call them, past present and the journey I walk now.

I have been able to identify as a person with a drug addiction since the death of my Mother in 2015. I was born an addict it took 30 years to become one. I have lived the experience and suffered the consequences and I still fight with every piece I find in here, to heal my life.

Here’s an open view of the life of a junkie. I am only one! Millions of people in this world are suffering with some form of addiction. We all have different stories yet I know together is the only place we feel less alone.

Welcome to the walk. I hope it opens your eyes to just how human we all are. Regardless.

Check out the blog for the pieces.

xxTxx

Crumbsing

She says; It’s ok! For you!

You can just walk away, I wish she would understand me a little better.

She thinks I’m selfish.

It’s her point of view.

I understand that.

I silence myself.

The echos are wasted and I know them by name.

I.

I am, I feel, I need.

Crumb trails.

I am surrounded by sunken vision.

My chest cushions the impact of the violent beat within.

My mind pushes the extremities of insecurity as i learn to trust myself.

How can I be sure of what I feel if I can not be sure of what this feeling is?

I search my minds eyes, screaming inside the univesal planes that once held me.
Anchored. The Now restless and unsettled. 
I await to find solace in your presence.

And there you are.

Codependant Oxygen.

I hate so much that we’ve come to this.The thought of leaving your side, The thought of what we do to one another.
So sickening, I  question my sanity.
We say we love one another as we attempt to kill each other, Time again, driving each others needs directly into the crater of the shattered dreams we once shared.


I Dont even know how I’m supposed to pick up my life and lead the way into some kind of chance at us both having the life we deserve.

You’re all i have known for so many nights, I can’t see anything other than you.
Everyday.  My love for you, That doesn’t change but neither do we. To know were both hanging onto the edge of something that should have met its end long and far before we even recognised the words that were coming from our mouths.

I can’t pretend. I can’t see a world without you,
I am broken.
I sit and try to write these words. I Don’t want to be the bigger person.

I bear the brunt’ that eventually brings all the things that will one day be beautiful. Our lives should be beautiful, My hope is for you to be fulfilled with every happiness, to live with purpose, to love yourself in ways you have not allowed yourself to yet.

Because you are beautiful.


Someday I hope you will understand that i needed this too.
Love always,

xxTxx

I would leave myself notes, my breadcrumbs.

When you grow up, you will meet people who fall in love with every part of who you are, they will love with you fiercely. They will find beauty in all you feel is flawed, they will love all of the parts you don't know how to love. These people will teach you how to love yourself and fall in love with the world around you.Allow people to love you, allow the layers to fall away, live with love not with fear. Love without boundaries, expectations, light your life with the power of love, let love lead the way, choose love every time, every choice, every step. Be love.Live a life you love and love it wholly and share it freely.

Hi, before riding the pages!

Thanks for checking in.

If you have stumbled across this blog of pages eventually all filled with words I would just quickly like to say.

It’s not for the faint hearted.

There are hard truths served with big opinions and No Fucks who it offends rather I hope some may learn a little about places no one likes to talk about. This is the space where my inner demons/addict was gifted a voice. If you think you may be offended, you will be. For the rest of you, peel right inside these pages. Welcome to the Journey, in pieces.

xxTxx

Recoveredme#